Lots on my mind

Totally random thoughts that I want to get out and then press forward

School is coming soon... really soon actually. A couple of other "Montessori moms" and I are going to do some 'back to school sessions' 3x a week starting Monday. Just a friendly review of things they were learning in Kindergarten. Plus this will seriously help us get into a routine before Katie has a FULL day of school.

I went to a parent orientation meeting tonight with all of m'girls (and we survived without Mom going crazy. Yea!). It was brief and to the point. Katie got to meet her SUPER cute teacher. I was LAUGHING in my head because she's fresh out of college, first job, married and pregnant with #1 AND she's from Oregon!!! Just funny because Rob worries about how this year will go with a new school and teachers that are new at doing the Montessori method. Plus she's from Oregon which is where we've joked about living for 2 reasons... #1 Granola/Hippie/Tree-hugging people for Shannon to be bosom buddies with and #2 Beautiful land to farm for Rob. Won't happen, but a fun dream. We always want to be here with family so this is perfect. And then of course she's pregnant with her first and I would love to impart way to much of my knowledge/experience regarding pregnancy and birth. I wasn't too bad though which feels a lot better these days. I did give her the web site for our BirthNetwork of Idaho Falls where she'll find our meetings and such :-) Seriously do hope she'll come, but most people don't care much about that stuff :-( We shall see.

Emma will start "free school" soon as well. Hoping to get another mom or two on board so we have a cozy group of friends to teach :-) This is pre-school taught by the Mamas, each of us taking a week. That's two days for 2-3 hours. I'm really excited! I'm excited for the routine and getting back into some kind of groove. I NEED structure. I am a more productive person this way and it feels good already. I'm also excited especially for little miss Emma to have her OWN thing. I only have one brother so our worlds were pretty different. Seeing sisters interact that are all 2 years apart is fascinating and frustrating because I don't know what I'm doing! It's hard to have a big sister that gets to do things first and has more friends so far, but that will change some as they get older. Emma is my middlest button even though I have 4 because the 2 younger gals take so much of my energy and I waste too much energy on unimportant things as well.

That leads to my next thought. I am a MOTHER. I need to learn what it truly means to mother my children. I have spent so much time day dreaming about the future that I have wasted precious time that could have been spent getting to know and spending with the 4 sweet spirits in my home, my daughters. I am trying to be more of a YES mom, kind of like that movie Yes Man? No, I'm not going to say to every request for sweets, movies, and playmates, BUT more yesses to the simple things that they want or need. I say no too often out of laziness or selfishness. It's embarassing to admit, but I'm owning it and I want to do BETTER for my girls.

Rob has little idea of who he really is. My Dad and I have talked about this a handful of times because he has also seen glimpses of what Rob's potential is. One example to me was the other day when we were talking about Shannon doing her best instead of what's absolutely necessary. He mentioned that "Love is a sacrifice in a lot of ways." That struck me deeply because I needed to hear that. What I need to do in SO many ways is to do those things my children need and want weather I want to or not... and then I hope to learn to love doing that instead of fighting off the "natural woman" in me who is selfish. That's part of being a Yes Mom :-)

I'm glad I've had my girls young, but I wish I was more mature and had happily put off dreams of this that and the other thing. I have ALWAYS and will ALWAYS want to be a stay-at-home mom for the absolute most part, but there has always been this antsy, itchy, curious part of me that wants to BE something. Here's a few of the ideas that have rolled around over the years... nurse, Certified Nurse Midwife, Certified Professional Midwife, Doula, Childbirth Educator, Doula, Dietitian, Midwifery Assistant (latest). Thankfully, though, I have come to terms at last that most of these are NOT an option now or for a very long time. #1 because I have a sweet, selfless husband who 'wants his wife back.' We need to prioritize us which is hard with 8 little hands needing held. #2, 4 little people that need a mother to be fully vested in teaching them ALL the many, many things they need to learn.

Okay, so reading over the last couple paragraphs, know that it's therapeutic to write these things out and that I'm not as bad as I make it sound or maybe I am, but the truth hurts? Oh well. Moving on... :-P So, now I'm at peace for the most part with putting those dreams aside. Now is the time to immerse myself in loving my children the best way I can. I told Rob recently that if I were to list all the things that I should do as a good wife and mother in ONE day, my head wants to explode like a pumpkin.
Seriously overwhelming.

I think part of my not living up to who I am is because if I don't TRY then I'm not failing right? Just kidding, but I think that's what I do subconsciously. I think there is a perfectionist in here somewhere, but most wouldn't know it especially when observing my lovely home. For better or for worst though, with school starting I have motivation to have things in better order so we're not hunting for certain clothes or shoes in the morning and THAT's why we're late. DON'T want to go there, thank you!

These are things I know:
- I am beautiful... I just need to act like I think so and take better care of myself
- I am loved.
- My house would be spotless if I just did it
- If I put in 100% effort, my kids will have thee best mom in the world. (Just saying that makes me excited!)
- I am a great cook when I want to be
- Living under my potential is retarding my family's spiritual and temporal growth.
- If I do everything I can to be the Wife and Mother I am meant to be we will go to the temple to be sealed as a family soon. And I wonder if it would have happened by now, if not for my lack of effort. That's neither here nor there. Onward I go.

Okay, my concentration is lacking so I'm going to get some sleep... one goal I am trying to work at. I am a better Mom with appropriate amounts of sleep and Heavenly Father has blessed me with my 4th child sleeping through the night. I need to enjoy this blessing while it lasts.

One last thing... I'm going to make my list of what I would like a typical school day to be like.

Wake up, nurse babe
Put in load of laundry
Pray, immerse myself in the scriptures
Someday exercise
Shower
Switch laundry
Get girlies up at 7am
Hot breakfast sometimes
Girls get dressed and ready
Family scripture study
Family Prayer
Take Katie to school and Emma to preschool if it's that day :-)Or teach it.
Empty dishwasher, reload
Fold clothes
Special time with Emma and/or Bri. Start teaching Bri letter sounds, more colors, shapes, etc. She is Stinking smart and I need to help her use that.
READ STORIES TO ALL OF MY GIRLS SOMETIME DURING THE DAY. Needs to be a habit.
Activity with girls some days--> baking, art projects, experiments, going to the library more often, etc.
Play outside when it's nice AND when it's freezing, but snowy.
Wholesome dinner made by moi.
Relaxing bedtime routine.
Prayers at night.
Quiet time for Mom and Dad to talk and decompress.
Sleep.

I'll probably think of more things tomorrow because I'm drawing blanks. Nite nite.